I'm Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy
by meandmyfriends
Summary: There she was! I rushed towards her, but I was still a distance off when I heard her proclaim to Finnegan,"A day without you is like a day without rain! Will you go out with me?"Really, curse girls and their stupidity. watch Scorp prank and plan Rose's way into dating the four best looking guys in their year, all the while realising that the only guy he wants her with is himself


"Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy! You are going to stop laughing this very moment."

"Can't. You're too funny."(Cue maniac chortling fit)

"There is absolutely nothing funny about wanting to date the four best looking boys in this school."

"There is when I'm one of them" (And when she looks so red all over, not that anyone would ever find me saying that to the remarkably hot-headed Rose Weasley, the utterer of these charmingly foolish things.)

Now, now, I know that all of you are probably pretty confused as to what is happening. So, let's start at the beginning of what proposed to be a very oh, well, let's call it _interesting_ year. I am Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, though people only call me that when I'm on one of my genius streaks and somehow manage to rule out all their so called brilliant plans as _utterly ridiculous_, though if you ask them that, they would never admit that, instead going on some sort of long winded rant about how I was being absolutely, unbearably, totally unreasonably silly about something. Ha! As if I, Scorpius, the most dashing male at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry could ever be silly!

Well back to the topic, you may be curious as to what this dashing personality looks like. So, if the words beautiful, heartbreakingly handsome, utterly drool worthy and totally _It_ doesn't manage to make a sufficiently magnificent picture in your head, I guess I could go on a bit longer. Oh, who am I kidding? I could go on indefinitely, possessor that I am of so many wonderful attributes.

Remember that God hanging about with the most beautiful, coolest people in the whole school that you sighed your little teenage heart over, wishing and hoping that he would deign to grace you with just one of those charming smiles of his, since a word from him would be expecting bit too much? I'm that God. Blonde hair that naturally stays perfectly in place is my God given gift (Ha to those shoddy dressers suffering bad hair days!) My grey eyes make girls faint, my gaze is that potent. My high cheekbones are a testament to my aristocratic breeding while my pointed, yet utterly masculine chin is a gift that nature has given to all us Malfoys. And these are the attributes that make me the best looking guy at Hogwarts.

Some of you might think that I'm being boastful, I'm not. Michaela, Julie, Sienna, all said that I'm the best looking guy of the whole school. I can give even more names if that's what you want, but since I'm not the type of guy who kisses and tells, I'd really rather you don't.

All this might make it easier for you to understand my laughing fit when in the compartment in the Hogwarts Express that we were sharing with her cousins (thankfully, that brat of a brother of hers had gone to plot pranks with one of the Scamander twins that he's friends with, I forget which one), Rose Weasley, who once wrote an ode to handsome Quidditch players in which she rhymed words like abysmally stupid, waste of space and bacon-brained, shall I go on, that same Rose Weasley said that she had made it her ambition in this last year of ours to date the four most handsome looking men of our year (you may laugh but it's beyond silly to refer to the men who have already reached their seventeenth birthday as boys). Now back to the story I was telling.

Rose flushed. She preferred the word blushed, but really, blush implies that there is something cute about the way she resembles a tomato. There's not. Evidently I was not the only one thinking that since Lily Potter raised her hand to shield her eyes as she cried in mock agony, "Please, spare me the red rays of the rising sun. I might go blind!"

There was a very angry pair of light blue eyes glaring at me as I sniggered. What can I say, little Lily Potter may be the only one in this entire world who I may be willing to accept as family. Rose, however, didn't seem to find it funny at all since she said huffily, "Well, I thought that since we were _best friends_, you might actually get your head out of your own social lives and actually help me get one for myself, but evidently, I was wrong."

She looked at the rest in the compartment, namely Albus Potter (he hated the name so I always used it whenever I was bored) and waited for him to say something. He looked around wildly. His panicked face and the fact that he had been shaking just a second ago with repressed laughter kind of gave away the fact that he didn't know what to say. So I decided to take pity on him (don't act so surprised. I can be pretty nice) and interjected smoothly instead, "Of course we're going to help you Rose. We already have, don't you see?"

She looked at me suspiciously while Al just looked relieved that he was off the gauntlet. _You aren't, don't you realise that silly boy, _I though at him silently. He seemed to know what was going through my mind as he let out an involuntary, "No!"

Rose threw him an affronted look, "What do you mean _no_? Don't you want to help me?"

"Of course not!" Al sounded disgusted.

I snickered silently at the hole he was digging himself deeper into. Lily threw me a wicked smile. We always ganged up on poor Al. She really should have been in Slytherin. Oh well, at Ravenclaw wasn't too bad. It had definitely taught her how to hone her talents since she smiled sweetly and told Rose, "Of course he does. He would absolutely love to help you Rose. Why, I bet he would snog you himself if you asked politely."

"What!" this time it was Rose's turn to sound disgusted as I clutched my stomach, trying to hold in my laughter. Unfortunately, I wasn't very successful at that as Al chose that moment to squeal like a pig as he shouted, "Why would I want to snog her? I wouldn't do it even if she begged me." His imitation of a pig always got me cracking up. It really wasn't my fault and the elbow he shoved in my stomach totally wasn't warranted.

I threw him a nasty glance as I straightened up before smiling charmingly at Rose. "Of course he would kiss you. Since you both are cousins, it kind of _would be_ like incest if you were to date as you meant to, don't you think?"

Both Rose and Al 'ewe'_d_ while Lily looked as if Christmas had come early. I could understand the feeling. Rose was so clever at academics but just so clueless at plans.

"You silly Gryffindor! Don't you realise that if you were to ask anyone, they would tell you that the best looking guys in our year are, in order of appreciation,

Gorgeous Scorpius Malfoy aka me.

Bacon-brained Quidditch star Gary Finnegan

Twitchy smiled Duelling Club champion Wade Mason

And the scrawny git sitting next to you, our very own Albus Potter

Now do you understand how we have already helped you?" really, Weasleys could be so clueless sometimes. They were either evil geniuses like five of our most beloved family, or completely bonkers like a certain number of Weasleys sitting beside me. Lily, for all you fools who are wasting time reading about my life rather than going on with your own, is an evil genius.

Al, again proving my characterization of him as a fool correct, complained, "I could so totally have come above at least _that twitcher_. He duels everyone he sees."

"And yet he is more popular than you. Begs certain questions about you, my dear brother, doesn't it?" Lily asked with a smirk. Oh yes, I was a wonderful role model.

"Well then," Rose said resolutely, having seemed to ignore the underlying sentiment of what I had just said, namely that she was a fool, "It just makes things easier. I'll date Finnegan first. We may be friends but he definitely is bacon-brained."

She squished her nose a little at the thought. She always did that whenever she was thinking hard about something that she would rather not do, but then her face straightened up and she smiled. I instantly sat up straighter in response. I knew that smile. it was the smile that she had sported before trying to play a trick on James and Fred and landing in the hospital wing with tentacles on her head instead of hair. It was the same smile that she had worn when she had told us to wish her luck with her attempted rule breaking, coming back covered in what seemed suspiciously like animal drool. It was, most importantly, the smile that she had worn before going to have a talk with Hestia that had landed her in her first detention for trying to wrestle her to the floor.

Therefore, it was the smile that she would be wearing before announcing something that I was going to do my best to talk her out of. Her constant tripping might be amusing, as well as her well planned and yet awful plans, but that did not mean that I _wanted_ her to die. So, good friend that I was, I asked, "So, how did you get this idea in your head anyway?"

She instantly scowled, concentrating on the topic that _I_ had introduced rather than the one that _she _had been about to. I mentally patted myself on the back mission accomplished. I definitely deserved my Head Boy badge. Oh, didn't I mention that I was the Head Boy, all because of my handsome exterior, charming personality and adroitness in slipping out of the stickiest situations? Rose was Head Girl, all because of the fact that she was the most rule abiding person I had ever seen. I wasn't sure how, but I was sure that I could manoeuvre my way out of this stupid dream of hers with ease. Six years of prank planning without being caught, or at least caught and punished, even once gave one quite a lot of practice.

I looked at Rose's red face as she fumed and shook my head sadly. Things being as they were, I probably wouldn't have to do a thing. Who wanted to go out with a roly-poly tomato anyway? The roly-poly tomato took a deep breath, I was sure to ensure that she wouldn't have to stop in the middle for something so trivial as breathing, and then she shouted, or if you ask her, said at a very high decibel, "Lucy told me_, Lucy can you believe it_? Lucy told me that I had no social life! That no one would even know my name if the teachers didn't constantly compare them to me? As if all I am is just a bookworm, good only for academics!"

_Lucy the devil_! This name suited her much better than Lucy-the-shy-girl-who-got-a-boyfriend-and-promptly-went-into-a-mid-life-crisis, my previous favourite. I ought to send a howler to her pretending to be her boyfriend, I thought nastily. Rose had always identified herself with Lucy and so criticisms from her stung much more than from anyone else. This would be so much harder if this whole idea came to her because of that damn Lucy. Maybe I would even send her an owl carrying copious amounts of honey, a flea cage containing fleas of course, and maybe even another owl with a loosely closed jar of feathers to thank her for it. I was just about to enumerate on this plan when Rose snapped her fingers in front of me and snapped, "Are you even listening?"

"Of course! Lucy the devil!" if I called her the devil's brat, maybe she would take offence to her uncle being called the devil. You could never know, especially since I hadn't been listening to what she has been saying. Maybe she had been telling us how her uncle had stood up for her. In that case, it would be best to be vague. I ought to know, I rarely listened to what people said. I didn't need to. With these extremely clever brains of mine, all I had to do was listen sporadically to what was being said, and then simply make something up. It worked all the time. It was just taking time, I consoled myself as Rose looked at me suspiciously. After all, she had known me for so long; it was natural that she should know my habits. She certainly knew my views on people and their boring conversations. I had ranted enough in her presence about how my conversations are so much better, the end result of which had always been her storming off screaming that I always monopolized _everything_ _I_ did and always tried to correct people. But how was it my fault that I was just so infinitely better at everything that I did?

Take now for example. Currently, she was giving me a gimlet stare that was so much inferior to mine that it was laughable. However much I might have wanted to tell her that though, this really wasn't the time to do so. I could only sit on those terribly cheap train seats and put my best attentive, determined, definitely not to blame for anything, _innocent_ Scorpius face on without seeming like I was doing anything of that sort. You can't imagine how hard that is. Ah well, _I am_ pretty talented in every sphere of life, including multitasking.

Rose definitely seemed to buy it as she put on a puppy dog look on her face and pouted adorably as she said, "And if you can believe it Molly, _Molly_ who's never had a friend in life that she wasn't using for something or the other, that same Molly told me that if it hadn't been for my extended family and rebel teenage tendencies, I wouldn't go anywhere at all except a) the library, b) the Great Hall and c) classes! That's not true, is it _Scorpy_?"

Now, for all boys, there comes a time when they can take the high road and tell their female friends the truth. Or they can lie. I obviously said to hell with the high road and smiled charmingly at her while I said, "Of course not, Rosey. She's obviously jealous of your good grades and achievements and wanted to ruin your N.E. ." Right then, consoling her was much more important than anything else.

Lily Potter hadn't got the memo evidently since she asked disbelievingly from Rose, "You know that he's lying, right?" If I hadn't been so reluctant to face the famous or infamous, depending on how you looked at it, Weasley temper I would have cheered. That was exactly what I wanted to say. Lily was a really brave girl, or simply used to the temper since she happened to share it. But then the girl had to go and open her mouth again, and to say what? Simply this, "He's scarred for life by the one and only time you screamed at him."

Ha! As if I would ever be scarred by anything so measly._ Nasty little girl!_ Remember how I said that Lily was like my sister? Ignore it. I started plotting what exactly I would do to her. Scarred, was I? Just because I was being cautious and not jumping into situations like her Gryffindor brethren, something she herself should have learnt in Ravenclaw. I would show her what scarred was. I was debating lightning fast between a permanent stinging hex and dying her pink for one whole month, when Rose rounded on her and snapped, "Oh you just shut up."

I cheered silently at that. Ok, so maybe not totally silently, but surely a tiny little squeak, something that I would deny having crossed my mouth for eternity, was eons better than the "Yay! Bash her into the ground Weasley!" that Ethan Zabini, one of my best friends shouted as he entered our compartment, tugging his trunk behind him.

"Zabini!" I exclaimed with forced cheer as Rose screamed, "Zabini!" as if she wanted to run him through with a sword.

Yeah, I know, Rose and I totally shouldn't be best friends, but what can I say? Teenage rebel instincts _are_ pretty much the thing. Mellissa Nott, my cousin, _from my mother's side, obviously_, laughed as she followed him inside, tumbling right into my lap as I put a leg forward to trip her. Her elbow dug into my stomach, _hard_, but it was worth it to see the scowl on Al's face. Mellissa scowled at me and opened her mouth to say something, but then Al said nastily, "Merlin Nott, out of all the laps you could sit on, you choose your cousin's? Prude much?"

Mellissa shut her mouth at that and shifted so that she was sitting properly and then leaned back, shoving her hair in my mouth. I spit it out and she shot me a tiny smug smirk. We both knew that Al fancied her, just like we both knew that Al though all of us to be such dunces that we couldn't figure it out.

Mellissa elbowed me sharply then, just for thrills I bet, and I grimaced at Rose. She would be the only one who would sympathize with me I was sure, and I was right. She grimaced right back at me before clapping her hands sharply to demand attention, shooting a nasty look at Ethan as he pushed against her a little to get enough space to sit. She coughed pointedly before looking directly at Al as she asked in a sickeningly sweet voice, "So, shall we discuss how your cousins insulted me or do you have a one-track mind that's interested only in the fact that Nott's sitting on Malfoy's lap?"

"They're your cousins too and I was just kidding! "Al protested. Yeah right. Rose glared at him before addressing us in a falsely polite voice, "Shall I continue?"

Mellissa waved her hand like a queen as she said languorously, "You might as well." I smacked her on the head. She elbowed me back. Some cousins go for camping trips for family bonding while we hit each other. And others, of course. We bonded the first time over our mutual joy of leaving our trunks in the corridor for hapless students to stumble over. Nasty I know. But hey! We're Slytherins.

Rose glared at both of us, why I don't know since I took her side, before saying, "To recap for the newcomers, _our cousins_ (glare right at Al) Lucy and Molly insulted me, told me I had no social life, no friends and then Victoire came in and said no one who wanted to date me either."

Ethan opened his mouth but I kicked him in the shins, _hard_. It was going to turn blue later on, I just knew it. He glared at me but kept his mouth shut.

Rose looked at all of us expectantly then sighed when none of us said anything. Then she said as if speaking to dumb people, "So I have made a plan to date the best looking guys in our year as well as enter the party circuit. That would show them."

Mellissa said slowly as if she really didn't want to know the answer, "And when you say the best looking guys, how many and who exactly do you mean?"

Rose beamed at her as if she had said something extremely clever. She said candidly, "Well, I decided on the best four, but since the first and fourth are Scorp and Al, I guess I just have to deal with the second and third. Gary Finnegan and Wade Mason."

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Mellissa said gamely. "I just saw Finnegan outside in the corridor. You're starting with him, I guess? You_ are_ friends after all, it would be easier."

"Oh yes!" squealed Rose happily. Her bad mood seemed to have vanished as she jumped to her feet, nearly crushed my foot while opening the door, and bounded outside.

Al and I glared at Mellissa as Lily nearly laughed herself to death. Mellissa asked us with mock innocence, "What? Didn't you _want_ me to help her?"

I jumped up, dumping her to the floor. Damn girls and their stupidity. I could so do without them.

I rushed outside the compartment, looking for a clue as to which direction Rose had gone into. I didn't have to look long. There she was! I rushed towards her, but I was still a distance off when I heard her proclaim to Finnegan apparently (he had quite the crowd around him, he was a Quidditch star after all), "A day without you is like a day without rain! Will you go out with me?"

_Really, curse girls and their stupidity._

**Author's Note**_  
_

**I got this idea in my head about them that I just had to write. i definitely mean to continue this story but that totally depends on whether I get any inspiration and time. reviews are welcome, good or bad, since that would mean that someone's read this story. they will also motivate me to write faster or at least think of stuff to write faster. constructive criticism is appreciated.  
**


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